xXx: Return of Xander Cage | Film Review

Vin Diesel gets a lot of flack for his particular brand of machismo fueled action vehicles, and much of it is warranted. Even in the Fast and Furious films, rarely do common sense nor artistic merit interfere with the prospects of smashing things up with the subtlety of a jackhammer. Diesel has created almost his own genre of high-octane ridiculousness and – whether he’s sporting optimized shades to enhance his kill skills or he’s muttering tripe dialogue that starts and ends with “Family” – he continuously aims to do nothing short of entertain us.  

That trend remains fully intact in xXx: Return of Xander Cage, a sequel to his 2002 hit that showcased an extreme sports junkie recruited into an elite government program – by Samuel L. Jackson no less – to create a Red Bull-fueled spy, the American version of James Bond. Diesel passed on the first sequel to xXx (Ice Cube picked up the slack), yet for some reason this was the right time for the almost 50 year-old Vin to grab his sleeveless shirts and fur coat to return to his remaining franchise and give it another go.  

This time, Xander Cage – long believed to be dead – agrees to return to the fold to avenge a fallen comrade and retrieve a stolen weapon known only as Pandora’s Box. Recruited by an over-the-top Toni Collette, Cage gets immediately back-to-basics by kicking the typical government soldiers to the curb and recruiting his own team of ass-kicking vagabonds – Ruby Rose as a skilled assassin, Rory McCann as a chance-taking adrenaline junkie, and the thoroughly pointless addition of Kris Wu as…a DJ? I’m still not sure what the hell Wu brings to the table, but he does have some pulsing beats. Pandora’s Box leads us to a band of outlaws (led by the always welcome Donnie Yen) with a curious reason for the theft. Throw in roles for Deeprika Padukone, Nina Dobrev, and even Tony Jaa, and you have one hell of a cast for Cage’s rejuvenation.  

But you want to know how xXx 3 is, right? Does the story make sense? Nope, I’m pretty sure the screenplay was written in crayon. How about those stunts, they have to be pretty realistic, right? Only if you think motorcycles can float and any human who is not a Jedi could ski down a cell tower and through a jungle without losing at least 3 or 4 limbs. The laws of physics are on sabbatical, hell, they might even be on permanent vacation. Let’s put it this way – xXx: Return of Xander Cage makes the idea of cars racing a submarine in the upcoming Furious 9 seem not only plausible, but as the most reasonable mode of transportation for ice travel.  

And even still, I had a blast! 

Yes, the film is ridiculous. Absolutely bonkers. If you stop for too long to think about the story elements, you’re liable to give yourself a concussion from head slamming the desk so hard. But it all works because director D.J. Caruso KNOWS he’s not trying to make high art, he’s just trying to go back to the Brosnan Bond flicks and make a spy film fun. Is that so wrong?  

I refuse to be ashamed at the sheer joy I had with this film. If you are looking for a semblance of quality story-telling or Oscar worthy acting, never – ever – watch this movie. But if you love insane stunts, mind-numbing plot devices, hot bodies, enough sexual innuendo to make 50 Shades of Grey fans blush, and Vin Diesel having the most fun he’s had in a movie in over a decade, THIS xXx is for you.